After 3 and a half years of running The Hanging Bat I have accepted a new position elsewhere. It felt like a good time to share the way that I applied for the job:
Dear Calum/Sir/Madam/To whomever it may concern,
My name is Joseph Dick and I would like you to consider this letter my formal application for the vacancy at ‘The Hanging Bat’. I would be the best applicant for this job due to my deep love of all things Tennents and Carlsberg, however occasionally I drink Deuchars, but only when I go to watch Hearts play. My favourite colour at the minute is magnolia, but as it stands I may be about to repaint my living room eggshell white. At the weekends I like to spend my time browsing Facebook to look at pictures of some of the girls from the finance department at the office I work in and occasionally after one Gordon’s and tonic too many I weep tenderly at my failed attempts to be noticed by them. On the subject of social media I am strongly against Twitter and believe that if Our Lord God wanted us to communicate in this way he would have given us tiny mouths and a little respiratory system to match it. I feel that this is an appropriate time to outline a few things to be taken into consideration with my application which I hope will not be an issue:
- – I will need every Saturday night and Sunday morning off so I am fresh for mass
- – I will require a fully paid Taxi home to my flat in Sighthill every day
- – I will not be able to socialise with any other staff outside working hours
- – I will not be able to taste any beers other than those previously mentioned due to a significant hop allergy
- – I find it almost impossible to speak to other people and would like to request that I be givenpermission to wear a hat at all times or at the very least be allowed to wear my hair in front of my eyes to avoid any eye contact
If you have any questions please do not hesitate to write to me to get in touch. I do not use a mobile phone because I am afraid of loud noises and things that vibrate.
P.S Read the next page for the real application.
My real name is Joe Dick, I haven’t touched Tennents since I was 18 and I most certainly do not go to watch Hearts play. I don’t really mind magnolia but in honesty prefer red or green. When I’m not working I’m either writing, writing about drink, or drinking. I also play five a sides at every given opportunity and invest a large amount of time playing Halo. My success with women is reasonable, unlike John Smith, nothing to really brag about but no sob story either. On the subject of social media I am a keen tweeter (@treestump89), and since I’ve mentioned religion I would say I was an agnostic, but it doesn’t really matter and I don’t shout about it.
I don’t need a paid taxi home as I have legs and live in nearby Marchmont. I’d be glad to meet some new people and feel I’m a pretty sound guy to get on with. I will absolutely be able to taste all the beers ever as I have no allergies and contrary to Mr Smith I am a hop fiend. The concept of working in a bar with a brewery attached excites me to whole new levels and would give me the opportunity to work in a whole new area of the drinks industry.
I’ve worked for some of the darkest, and most grim bastards in this industry and have done my fair share of pumping out carbonated yellow fizz and I would relish getting back in with the good guys.
If you have any further questions gimme a bell, email , tweet , and if none of those methods take your fancy then I’d gladly discuss a new form of communication.